The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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