The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
