Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
