Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
