I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
