my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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