At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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