Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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