I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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