Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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