now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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