im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
