i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just want to make out with him forever
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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