I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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