I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
