dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
