I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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