Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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