dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
im six kinds of drunk right now
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
