if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
PANTIES FOUND
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
