stop calling my apartment porn island.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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