My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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