I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize