goodnight i made you a song goodbye
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
