Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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