I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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