Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
