I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
