I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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