you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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