Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
