im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
