"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize