apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
