Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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