How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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