Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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