OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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