My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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