I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
