All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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