I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
