seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
