I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
