I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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