Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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