i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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