Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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