I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Never joke about your clitoris.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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