I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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