Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
