Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
