cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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