I puked a lego.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
two words...techno handjob
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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