I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
