I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
