but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
