hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
