Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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