how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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