if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
