I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
