i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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