Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
