we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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