i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
