Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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