I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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