So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My bed smells like the plague
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
