She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
