your thong is hanging out like whoa
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
